There's a feather in my tobacco: John Middleton's Sugar Barrel reviewed, as far as possible

It's been one of those days: I cracked a tooth, my paycheck was 70% short, someone at CVS appears to be coveting my elderly mother's diazepam prescription, and there's a feather in my tobacco.

Not one of those nice feathers like you'd find in a fancy hat or feather boa, no, it looks like a feather from a dead pigeon. It's no small amount of tobacco either, but a full 12 ounce can of John Middleton's Sugar Barrel.

I've been looking forward to trying this tobacco for some time, but now, I'm kind of scared of it. Are there more feathers underneath, perhaps a whole bird? I should throw it out, that's probably the best thing, but it wasn't cheap, no tobacco is, these days.

Maybe I could take it to the dentist with me and see if he can x-ray it, or put it in the autoclave. I'm usually not this squeamish, but thoughts of West-Nile keep dancing in my head. I can see the headlines now: "Idiot smokes verminous tobacco, dies." That's not how I'd like to be remembered.

Still, I was really looking forward to this. It smells really good in the can, all sweet and plummy. I have heard that Sugar Barrel is as good as Carter Hall, but without the chemical aftertaste. I like Carter Hall a lot, except for the chemical aftertaste. What to do, what to do.

Maybe I could ask the John Middleton Company for advice. Hmmm, no email address.

Maybe I should try 4noggins, the retailer I purchased it from, maybe they know somebody at Middleton.

O.k., I wrote 4noggins:

"Hi, I just found a feather in the can of Sugar Barrel I ordered from you. Should I smoke the tobacco anyway? Have you had any other complaints like this? Why doesn't Middleton have an email address, too many feather complaints? Please advise."

And yet, it's way past business hours and I still want to smoke this tobacco. Maybe I could smoke it with some bourbon or something, as a disinfectant. Hmmm, no booze in the house, clean living seems to have its own hazards.

Oh, maybe I could put some in the microwave, except that I don't care for the microwave people, you know the type, "I always put my Erinmore Flake in the microwave wrapped in three paper towels, one on the bottom and two on the top, turned on medium high for exactly 13 seconds at 1,000 watts or 18 seconds at 750 watts or 9 seconds blah blah blah." Indeed, I bought this "drugstore blend" because I'm sick of fiddling with damp and otherwise weird old-world tobaccos.

I mean, it's very quaint that you still make smoking tobacco the way they did during the Interregnum, but surely, manufacturing has made a few objectively good improvements since then, that perhaps you could incorporate into your bitey, damp, soapy tobaccos? On the other hand, I never got any bird parts in my tins of Squadron Leader.

Ah, I think I've found a solution, it's a pack of Wave cigarettes made by JTI. Let's open it up and try one: no feathers, not too damp to smoke, pretty good taste, doesn't bite the tongue, burns evenly. Oh look, there's 19 more in here just like it. Never mind.